


Into the Fade

by Daughter_of_Scotland



Series: Dragon Age Universe [5]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Anders won't let go, Angst, F/M, Fade, Magic, Red Lyrium, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 04:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12499232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daughter_of_Scotland/pseuds/Daughter_of_Scotland
Summary: He feels it when she dies, because he realizes she took his heart with her.He won't accept this.[Backstory: Anders was in love with the female Warden, Lyna, but ended up with Lilith Hawke in DA II. Hawke was left in the Fade in Inquisition.]





	Into the Fade

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "From the Ashes" of the Dragon Age Halloween Week.

The sound of his cup breaking apart on the floor pulled Anders from his readings. He looked at the shards in confusion. The cup had been standing securely on the table, why had it fallen down?

 

“I must have brushed it,” he said and sighed, bending to pick up the glass.

 

A hiss escaped him as one shard cut a line down his finger. He looked at the blood pooling on the floor, drip, drip, drip, down his hand, onto the shard, and there she was, Hawke, fighting, always fighting, her lips shaping something - “I’m sorry, Anders” - and then she vanished -

 

Anders shook himself out of the trance, scrambling back, breathing hard.

 

“Hawke,” he whispered. “Lilith.”

 

She was gone. He knew it in his heart.

 

***

 

When Varric’s letter came, Anders had already been packing up the house. He and Hawke had lived there for a few years and there were a lot of things that had to be kept safe or would make someone else happy. So Anders had sorted through them all and gone around to the other houses in their little village, offering what he had to their - his - neighbors who were grateful but sad to see him go. He was the only healer the village had, after all.

 

“I understand,” Old Meghi said, a sad smile on her face. “Without your heart, nothing keeps you here.”

 

Anders didn’t correct her. He wasn’t sure Hawke had really been his heart (who was he kidding, of course he was sure, but acknowledging it meant he never told her so and always made her feel second-best, and the thought drove him mad with grief) but the sight of the village they had lived in, close to the Kocari Wild, made him sick to his stomach.

 

He wasn’t sure where he would go next, but he couldn’t stay.

 

And then one day, just a few days after he felt it, a raven arrived with a letter.

 

“Blondie,” it read, “I don’t know how to say this. For once, I am lost for words, can you imagine? 

She is gone.

She saved the lives of so many people and stayed behind in the Fade to fight an Aspect of Nightmare. 

I wasn’t there, but the Inquisitor said she died bravely, determined, and with a smile on her face. Sounds like our Hawke.

 

I’m sorry. 

 

Varric.”

 

Anders read the letter again and again.

 

Hawke had told him she would go and fight with the Inquisition. He had let her go, of course he had, why would he keep her back? He didn’t know why she stayed with him anyway (that was another lie, he knew it well).

 

“The Fade,” he whispered and suddenly he knew what he had to do.

 

Determined he packed up his last things and left the house. He didn’t look back.

 

***

 

He arrived at the Inquisition’s stronghold, Skyhold, a few weeks later.

 

Anders looked up at the castle-like structure, watched the people milling around. He knew most of the people would like to see him dead for what he had done, he knew what the Templars and the Mages were doing to each other since Justice - since he - had destroyed Kirkwall. 

 

Anders sighed, pulling up his hood, and entered through the heavy gates. A few questions pointed him to the main building, where he was told he could find Varric.

 

“You’re in luck,” one of the merchants said. “The Inquisitor just returned from another long journey. She usually takes the dwarf with her.”

 

“Understandable, he’s very capable,” Anders answered, giving her a quick smile. 

 

When he entered the great hall, he wondered if he should actually ask for the Inquisitor first. Was that the protocol?

 

“Can I help you?”

 

Anders startled and turned around, finding himself face to face with…

 

“Maker,” Cullen breathed, looking around sharply before grabbing Anders’ arm. “Are you  _ insane _ ? Come with me!”

 

Anders let himself be dragged into a room off the hall, stumbling a bit. He hadn’t expected Cullen… why hadn’t he? Hawke had written that he was here…

 

“Damn you, Anders,” Cullen spat as soon as they were alone and the door was closed. “Do you have any idea what those people out there would do if they knew you were here?”

 

Anders slowly pulled down his hood. “I have an idea. What are  _ you _ going to do?”

 

Cullen ran a hand down his face, groaning. “I don’t… Anders, why are you  _ here _ ?”

 

“Hawke is dead,” Anders said and blinked. It was the first time he had actually said it out loud. 

 

Cullen’s arms dropped to his side. “Yes. Yes, I know. I’m sorry.”

 

Anders shook his head. “No, that’s… that’s not what I meant. Varric, he wrote me, I… I need to know more.”

 

Cullen frowned. “Why?”

 

“Because he said she died in the Fade and I will get her back.”

 

Cullen actually took a step back, blinking. “You… what?”

 

“I’ll get her back,” Anders repeated, sounding frantic to his own ears. “There is a way, I  _ know _ there is. If she went physically into the Fade, I can get her out.”

 

“Maker’s breath, Anders,” Cullen said, sighing. “That’s… that’s impossible. You can’t torture yourself like this.”

 

“What is it to you?” Anders asked. “You hate me. You have good reason to. Why would you care if I kill myself trying?”

 

“Because Hawke wouldn’t want you to,” Cullen returned. “And neither would Lyna.”

 

Anders blinked, thrown out of his tirade. “What’s Lyna got to do with it?”

 

Cullen stared at him. “Damn her,” he breathed. “Hawke was right.” He shook his head. “You know, the whole time she believed you loved her less than Lyna.”

 

Anders crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking away. “I… I thought so, too,” he admitted. “But… I was wrong. I could feel it, when she died,” he said, patting the spot over his heart. “I… Cullen, I’m missing something. Since I felt it, I… I need to go after her. I need to try.”

 

Cullen looked for him for a moment and then sighed, defeated. “Alright,” he said. “I’ll get Varric. He can tell you what you need to know. I know where it happened, but I wasn’t in the Fade with them. And I’ll also get Lunara - the Inquisitor. She was with Hawke, right before…” he trailed off but Anders knew what he meant.

 

“Alright,” Anders said, his voice soft. “Thank you, Cullen.”

 

“I’m not doing this for you,” Cullen pointed out. “What you did… there’s no way you can ever make that right again, and if those people out there realise who you are and demand a trial for you I’m not getting in their way.”

 

Anders nodded. “I understand.”

 

“But,” Cullen continued. “If there is a way to bring Hawke back? Then I’ll give you all the help I can.”

 

With that he left, leaving Anders standing in the room alone. 

 

Anders sat at one of the abandoned tables, finally relaxing for the first time since he started his journey. He was getting closer.

 

***

 

Cullen returned with both Varric and a young woman only a short time later.

 

“Damn, Blondie, I thought Curly was pulling my leg,” Varric said as he stopped in the middle of the room. “No way, I thought, even Blondie wouldn’t be so stupid and walk right in here.”

 

Anders shook his head. “Guess your instincts aren’t as good as they once were,” he said. “Good to see you, Varric.”

 

The woman leaned over to Cullen. “Make sure Cassandra doesn’t find out he is here,” Anders heard her say quietly. “ _ Ever _ . She’s going to kill all of us.”

 

Cullen nodded tightly. “Anders, this is Lunara Trevelyan, the Inquisitor.”

 

Anders nodded at her. “Thank you for meeting me.”

 

“I liked Hawke,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “And I like Varric. I’m doing this for them, not you.”

 

“Fair enough,” Anders said. “I need to know what happened in the Fade, exactly.”

 

“And why do you need to know that?” Varric asked.

 

Anders looked at him. “Because I’m going in there and I’m getting her out.”

 

Varric blinked and he and the Inquisitor shared a look.

 

“That’s… Blondie, that’s crazy. Even for you.”

 

“I know,” Anders said. “Maker, I know. But… I have to do this, Varric. I know I  _ can _ do it. Or I’ll die, but at least I’ve tried. I can’t do this without her.”

 

Another look and Anders wondered what had happened between Varric and this woman to make them be able to communicate without speech.

 

“If he wants to try, let him,” the Inquisitor said. “It’s his life.”

 

“Man, I wish Solas was here,” Varric said, rubbing his neck. “He probably knew exactly what to tell him.”

 

He looked at Anders again. “Okay, Blondie. Story time. It all started at this Grey Warden Stronghold...”

 

***

 

Three days. Anders had been at Adamant Fortress, trying to open the portal into the fade.

 

“Why is this not working?” he exclaimed, throwing another useless potion to the ground. “This, this was supposed to  _ work _ , it just needs to  _ open up _ !”

 

He slapped his hands on the ground, gritting his teeth at the pain. “Why won’t you open up?”

 

He flipped through the pages of the worn out book he’d gotten from the witch Morrigan again. “It is in here… I know it is.”

 

He sighed and looked at the ground, adorned with symbols he had drawn. 

 

“Hawke,” he said. “I’m going to get you out of there… I swear, somehow, I will open up the portal.”

 

No Mage, ever since the old Tevinter Mages, had ever gone bodily into the Fade. Even Hawke had been transported there by accident and sheer dumb luck. But Anders would find a way; he had to.

 

“I can’t live in this world without you, Hawke,” he said, and read the book again.

 

A few hours later, Anders suddenly woke up from deep sleep. He wasn’t sure what had woken him, but when he crawled out of his tent, he saw the full moon high in the sky.

 

Without thinking, he wandered over to the portal site, looking at his symbols, exchanging some. 

 

“This is it,” he whispered. “I’ll be there soon, Lilith.”

 

He pulled his wrist to his mouth and bit down, hard. Soon his blood flowed freely, dripping onto the first symbols, making them glow a dull red. The others followed suit.

 

“I’m coming,” Anders repeated, and the stones opened up, swallowing him whole.

 

***

 

When Anders opened his eyes, he was surrounded by green. Not the nice, healthy green of a forest, but a sickly glowing green, emitting from crystals above him. He was also stranded on a rock in the middle of what seemed to be a pond. The water was completely black when he looked into it.

 

“Very welcoming,” he muttered, pulled out his staff and prodded the water. It didn’t go too deep and the staff also didn’t seem to be damaged when he pulled it back out.

 

“Here goes,” Anders said and moved into the water. It was ice cold, but he kept going towards the land right in front of him. There were more crystals there, and various stone formations.

 

“Hawke!” he called when he arrived on land, shaking out his clothes. The water seemed to cling to him more than normal. “Hawke, where are you?”

 

First, there was nothing but silent, but then he felt a breeze pick up. With it came a faint voice. He couldn’t hear what it said, but he still figured it was the best chance he had, so he followed it.

 

Sometimes the voice got fainter, but then he called out again and it returned to him stronger. He was pretty sure it was Hawke, but he couldn’t completely recognize it.

 

“For all I know I’m running right into a nest of Desire demons,” he grumbled to himself, evading a glowing red Lyrium vein. They had gotten stronger lately and he felt their effects on him. He felt himself getting weaker.

 

“Hawke, are you there?” he called out once more. This time, it was definitely her answering.

 

“I’m here! Anders?”

 

He hurried to where the voice had come from but stopped in horror at what he saw when he turned the corner.

 

Hawke was pinned to one of the stone structures, completely engrossed in red Lyrium.

 

“Oh, no, Hawke,” he breathed, slowly moving closer. “What happened to you?”

 

She blinked, her eyes burning red, as she sought him out. “Anders,” she whispered and coughed. “What are you… How are you here? And why?”

 

“For you, silly,” he answered, trying to smile despite the horrible sight. “Of course I came for you.”

 

A tear leaked out of her eye, red as blood. “I didn’t think you would,” she said.

 

“Silly,” he repeated, approaching the structure to inspect it more closely. “I love you, of course I would come.”

 

She swallowed. “You really do?”

 

His eyes found hers. “Yes, Lilith. I love you.”

 

She smiled and it looked so wrong, the red glow staining her teeth. “Then it was all worth it.”

 

He frowned. “You are not giving up,” he ordered her. “I’ll get you out of here.”

 

“You can’t,” she said, coughing again. “The Nightmare… he told me the price.”

 

“So? What is it?”

 

She nodded at her side where the red lyrium encased her arm like a bracelet. “I can only get out if someone else takes my place. Puts on the bracelet and gets chained here in my stead.”

 

Anders looked at it. It looked fragile, but he knew not to trust red Lyrium. “Then I’ll do it,” he said.

 

Hawke rolled her eyes. “And then I’ll do it to save you and we’ll be caught in a never-ending cycle. No, this isn’t the way, Anders. You should leave.”

 

“Never,” he immediately protested. “If I can’t save you, then I’ll just have to stay with you.”

 

“You think I want that?” she asked incredulously. 

 

“Frankly, I don’t care one bit,” he retorted, crossing his arms. “I either find a way to get both of us out here or we both stay.” His eyes grew softer. “There’s nothing out there for me without you anyway.”

 

Hawke looked at him and sighed. “Of all the times for you to realize that…”

 

They shared a fond smile and then Anders sat down, close enough so he could see her face but also touch her hand.

 

“So this is how we end,” he murmured. “Not what I expected.”

 

“But together,” she answered, her voice getting drowsy. 

 

“Together,” he repeated.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love <3


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